You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in Your presence. Pleasures are by Your side forever. Psalm 16:11

Cowardly Lions

I am on strike!!!!!!!

(and a little cranky)

Until conditions improve!

maybe we are all the same

I'm always throwing around the word need. It is a frequent occupant of my greedy lips, and all too unnecessary. I need. Yes, I do say that quite a bit. Usually, it simply means "I want".

Need: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behaviour;

So what do I really need? What do you need? I'm sure that there are obvious answers. I'm positive that you could make a list.

Most days, what I really need is the same thing that you really need. Funny how that works. We all are longing for the same thing, and yet no one speaks of it.

In the deepest part of us, we desperately want companionship...At the end of the day, I want a friend. Not the kind of friends that will leave me when I let them down...but the kind of friends who never quit...
The friends that ride out the storm with you. Friends who stay by your side when you make a fool of yourself. Friends who realize that Love not only is unconditional, but it also "suffers long." Yes, friends who are willing to suffer with you and for you...friends who will push you towards change.

People are tricky. People have been hurt. Most people have lost their ability to trust. Maybe that's why it's so hard.
But here is what I know.

Love (which is the core of friendship) is pure and kind. Love is not self seeking. Love overlooks. Love perseveres. Love keeps no record of wrong.That is who I want to be. The dictionary defined Love as a feeling. But I beg to differ with Sir Webster. Love is a choice, it is a challenge, it is a goal. It is my goal.

To love without fear of failing or losing.

To trust without walls.

To stand my ground, even when I want to run.

To fight for my friends, at all costs.

&To walk out this journey surrounded by people who encourage me, and to be the friend that exudes the love that Christ has shown me.

x

Learning

I go

Not to teach
What God has said
To the generations before me

But to learn
What He is saying
To us

Crowded parties. Lonley cab rides. Insanity. Masks. Awkward silences. Unspoken goodbyes. Messy Hair. Worn-out shoes. Tired girl. My life is a circus. Flamming hoops. Cowardly lions. Mirrors Mirrors Mirrors. Elephants in the room.

i go in circles. around the world. around the block. around i spin.i figured something out: if you are dizzy, you dont think about all your other problems.

i wish i were brave. desperatly.there are things in my life that i just can't face...im not strong enough.so i spin. that way, i will be too dizzy to look you in the eyes. And maybe, if I spin long enough, I will forget what your eyes look like.

i know what you are thinking. "oh, she is in love." or "oh, she must like ______"

at the risk of sounding redundant...i hate when people think they know "exactly what I mean."i am not love sick...i am not sick of love.love keeps me alive and breathing. love never fails me.i am simply sick of games. of mistakes. of spinning.

I know a girl who lives in Utopia. To my knowledge, she is the last of its occupants.She is one in a million. She is rare. She is beautiful. She is pure.In her mind, it is possible to live without being stained by the world.She challenges my cynical mind every day.She inspires me to live pure.

In moments of despair, I think to myself...I am too far gone. To return to Utopia would take years.But in reality, it can happen in a matter of seconds.We have the ability to change...but I think that most of us rather like our sin.

But why? Sin makes us miserable. It stains our character. It confuses our souls. It seperates us from happiness and peace. So why do so many of us chose to live here? We live in these strange lands that we carve out of our own opinions and emotions...we leave Utopia (a land of peace and prosperity) to abide in some trashy wasteland that only makes us more unsatisfied. We are fools.

After 1/3 of our generation has been murdered by abortion, the other 2/3 are chosing to throw away their lives based on what "feels right".Im at the point of no return. I long for things to be black and white again. Life has been grey for far too long.

I'm not about rules and regulations...or legalism or judmental ideals. I am not close minded. On the contrary...I simply have found that on this journey called life, true happiness and fulfillment is not achieved by indulging in whatever "feels right." See, that's the thing about lust. It is never satisfied. It always want MORE. You can't possibly be happy if you live according to desire.

We all live in a circus. We all feel pain, we all suffer devestation. Our friends don't come through, our finances are always wanting, and our appetite is never satisfied. Our parents let us down, our jobs frustrate us, and our emotions run wild. How on earth could we ever be at peace in a cold war, in this snow storm, in this cage?

There is peace and hope in life submitted to your creator. I know I know...you probably don't believe in God. Ok. We're on a journey, and you're free to believe whatever you wish. But in my experience, both pain and joy, I have found true happiness in only one place. The love of God, and the knowledge of what he did for me at the cross. Becuase he loves me, I want to obey. I want to seek. I want to understand. I want to know who created me and WHY he created me. Then, and only then, will I ever be able to escape this circus of undevoted distraction.

Where purpose in not known, abuse is inevitable.

Stop spinning.

Find out what you are here for.

x

Do you know what I definitely believe in?

-Fate

-- that things happen for a
reason

family happiness

It is perhaps my greatest fear

though it is just now a pain in my mind.

It came with age.

As a child, I feared more abstract things

darkness, demons, bumble bees

But now, the fear that haunts me is one too real to disregaurd.

A girl

A dreamer

She waits and waits for love to come

She dreams of how he'll smell

And the words he'll use and stories he'll tell

She awaits the heartbeats

And turns down the bed sheets

And perhaps her lover comes

And perhaps they marry

Set sail

And are blissfully in love

for a while(and that is the part that scares me the most)

I've always heard it said that marriage

Is about finding a partner, someone to walk out life with you

Like a buisness deal of sorts

And making a decision to love them

For time wages war on the affections of man

And perhaps you have caterpilars

And perhaps you are taken with wild glee

But soon enough, it fades into a painful memory

And you are left with a personA person you love

But the love has changed

Grown, matured, and settled into a rational decision.

I will love you. I made a promise.

This is my fear

That the fire will fade

And I will be unable to stop the inevitable

And I wonder if I must accept it

Seperate rooms

Cordial conversation

Dutiful compliments

Australian Idol night

Trackpants

If it is as they say

Then I will chose to be alone

For I cannot and will not bow to ideals of comfortable tolerance

I want insanity

passion

breaking glass

cities

fire

symphonies

imagination

honesty

open roads

story books

danger

captivation

But how does one know?

Can you ever know?

Or is it a risk we take

A leap into darkness

Knowing that it is truly better to taste love
if only for a moment
and be glad that you were lucky enough to breath its air

x

there is no one else for me

"..life swiftly treading over endless space;
And, at her foot-print, but a bygone pace,
The ocean-past, which, with increasing wave,
Swallow'd her steps like a pursuing grave.

Sad were my thoughts that anchor'd silently
On the dead waters of that passionless sea,
Unstirr'd by any touch of living breath:
Silence hung over it, and drowsy death..."

taken from thomas hood's sea of death

.too deeper shades.

so here it is. today is one of those days where everything that youve been surpressing manages to catch up with you . the desions youve made and the ones that you havent, begin to have an impact on your soul as you realise that you cannot control everything....

I wake at 4:11am then again at 5am..this happens every hour. i am in a tomb and i dont want to wake because quite frankly i dont want to deal with anymore mess. today was one of those where sleeping seemed to be the best, only option.

{Hemingway knew}"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know? "

I walk into my bathroom and look at my reflection in the mirror. i stare deep into my eyes...past the shades of blue..into my soul. There I am. still the same as always , yet slightly altered. today i didnt want to be who i am. i want to be nobody. i didnt know. so i whipsered the whispers of the One who knows me better...over and over i told myself who He says i am...today it doesnt even seem to help.

there is a black hole in a soul. one where when stumbled across has the ablilty to suck you in and cloud your mind. it is destructive and only seems to produce harm...the road to this place knows my name a little too well. It's a cycle...a form of counterproductivity.To some, it seems desirable, but I can assure you that the word is true..."without VISION, people perish."I am too young to die. I am too enlightened to live without vision.I had it once. Intense, gripping vision.
get it back.

Purpose. Destiny. Vision. Words that all hold a deep meaning in my life. They resound in my soul. They remind me why I am here.

It has become all to easy to forget life is more than life. I seem to find myself wondering from one place to another...visionless. Life is war. it is darkness fighting for our souls. That we are in the balance. Becuase of complacency and indifference, we slowly slip into unconciousness and begin to go through life as pawns instead of being aware that you and I are, indeed, royalty.

So today, before I take another step or say another word or make another phone call. Before I proceed with my routines and habits, I have to remove the foggy glasses from my eyes. I put them on, and in the name of freedom, allowed myself to live blind. I am too good for that.

Again, i worry sometimes that my honesty gives you more room to criticize. But the closer I get to the heart of God, the more I realize that we are all severly flawed. We all make epic and life threatening mistakes. We all fall down.

But a righteous man falls 7 times and gets back up.

did you read that?...{a righteous man falls}

that is truth.

It doesn't make us bad, it doesn't make us worthless. It makes us human.You, in your humanity will make grave mistakes...and God, in His soveriegnty and unconditional love, picks us up...restores us...and continues to mold us into his image of beauty.

I feel like a painting. An unfinished but brilliantly thought out painting. The colours are chosen and the artist knows what he is making, but no one else does. No one sees what he sees. And for the life of me, I can't even figure out what I am supposed to look like. But I know that it will be perfect. That little by little, the lines and colours and shades will all fall into place.

One more day. Not lost, but lived. One more day to make right decision and to progress towards the goal. One more day that I must fight and struggle and believe.There is hope in a life lived by Faith.I chose, today, to live by that faith.It is the only way.

{and once again, Hemingway knew}

"Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it. "

this scares me

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?
-Albert Einstein



Interesting thought... What exactly does it take?

B
x

Brittany is excited that Melanie is home again!

I had the best weekend. It consisted of 4 outings, 2 dates, many outfits and countless friends.. although, it just wasn't complete without some cousin scrapping!!!! I am seeing this amazing woman- www.melaniebrewin.blogspot.com/

Here is my theory on men and women. When a man meets a woman he decides within around thirty seconds whether or not he finds her attractive. If he doesn't, they become friends. If he does, they might become friends, but the potential for them to become lovers never quite goes away.

When a woman meets a man she decides within around thirty seconds whether or not she finds him attractive. Even if she doesn't, they become friends, but at any given point in their relationship, she could fall in love with him. She could fall in love with him because he's kind, sensitive and he makes her laugh. Because she grows up and realises that sexual attraction is not the be all and end all to life. She realises that all guys aren't jerks. That all guys aren't boring. And finally, that she deserves a nice guy.

B

xo

lost and found

i have blinders over my eyes,
blocking the full picture of who human beings are in the sight of God.
I have boxes i put people in,
judgements that i pass,
measurements i use to compare people to myself.

Transform my heart,
strip me of my blinders,
allow me to see people
the way you see them.

...

What is love?
As far as I can tell, it is passion, admiration, and respect.
If you have two, you have enough.
If you have all three, you dont have to die to go to heaven.
-William Wharton

let the dead bury their dead

this is where ive been for a night this week...practically perfect in every way!

i've decided that infinite wisdom does not lie in complete understanding,

but in understanding that you will never understand, everything.

i've decided that habits are hard to break.

i've decided that perpetual motion has limits, thus canceling it out.

i've decided that subjectivity is not freedom but that it is in fact, a chain.

i've decided that certainty is only certainty because of the error you find in it.

and i've decided that resilience is never real without the battle. x

gossip, love and the psalms!!!

lookie lookie what i acquired yesterday from my favourite little 2nd hand book shop!!! I have finished 'Scarlet Thread' (multiple times) but i havent started reading the others just yet. I am going away today, just for a night, down South- perfect chance to begin reading!!!....

I found a beautiful verse in Psalms that ill leave you with...

LORD, our Lord, how
majestic is your name in all the
earth! You have set your glory above the heavens.

When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have set in
place,

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with
glory and
honor. Psalm8

leavemealone
leavemealone
leavemealone
leavemealone
leavemealone
leavemealone

I need to breathe again...

relief!

I remember the wise words of my mother who always told me that time has the amazing ability to heal all wounds. But as I get older, i am realising that maybe its what you do in the time that determines the level of freedom. I think that's its a choice... and although at times it seems much easier to throw your hands up, eat a poison apple and sleep happily while others make the decisions that you didn’t have the courage to make. But I pose this question to you... did Sleeping Beauty wake up and realise that she isn't where she wanted to be?

"Like a dog that returns to its vomit- it is a fool who repeats his folly."
- proverbs 26:11I think

that the biggest poison of my generation has been one thing: selfishness.

When I think of my life over the past 7 months I cant believe at all that has happened! There has been some amazing triumphs, not just in my life, but in the lives of those around me…. My relationship with 2 incredible women have been fully restored (major God thing), I have painted (yes Mel, I will finish your painting), I have scrapped, I have studied, I have flown away. I have returned. I have had my heart shattered and ive worked hard to repair it (watch this space) and sadly, like a dog, I returned to my folly once or twice.
BUT. I have come to the decision to take control. Lately I have found myself stressed, time-poor and not happy with how my life is. I don’t like not having time to do the simple things. So next semester I am going to drop Uni back to part time… things will work better….(and I wont feel like quitting) I think I begging to realise that although we are all human, we are vastly different and should compass our lives accordingly, including university.


I’m sorry if this post confuses you, I really don’t have a point to it…other than to say that the human spirit is beautiful and resilient. There isn’t much we cant find our way back from. And for that, I am thankful.

crash

There are brief moments in time when I catch a glimpse of a world that I have been so carefully sheltered from. I was raised in...well, everywhere. I've seen the horrors of 3rd world countries, the depression and darkness that blankets Europe, and the disease that is killing Africa. The images in my mind are haunting. However, it is rare that I see deeply into the destruction and degradation of my own nation. After all, we are Australia (America)...and we own.

Tonight, I watched a movie.
Crash.
I don't think I have been as moved in a movie since Schindler's List....seriously. It revealed the darkness of this "Nation Under God"...of a people who have been given so much, and are still so selfish, angry, violent, and hateful. Racism is exposed in its most raw state...and I must say...it was startling.

I sometimes forget that we live in such a wicked and prejudiced world. A world where ethnicity is spat upon instead of celebrated...where heritage and culture are mocked, and where stereotypes are often all that we know about a people group. We are ignorant.

But it's deeper than racism.
People always complain about all of the evil in the world. Someone once asked me, "if there is a God, how come there is so much evil in the world? and why doesn't God do anything about it?"

the answer is simple. He did do something about it...he took my sin, your sin, and the sins of the world upon himself, and gave his life so that we might be free. There is nothing you feel that he hasn't felt. No humiliation, abandonment, rejection, or torture that he doesn't know. And his desire is for you to be free from all of that...so he offers an exchange. Your grief for his joy. Your anxiety for his peace. Your hurt for his healing. Your weakness for his strength. Your brokenness for his restoration. Death for Life.There is a God who's love is unending, unconditional and absolutely pure. It is this love that changed me. It is the only hope for our culture.

But it has to start with you.

<3

i am convinced that love is this worlds only renewable resource....

sept 11- bridges burning??

"Seek me and you will find me... "

I feel like the more i seek, the quieter His voice gets. I scream at Him, wait patiently...and with no answers. The path i am walking is dark ahead and I fumbling around with choices that I'm making, not sure if what i am doing is right... is this divide a God one, one that will be worked out eventually or is this something that i permanent and damaging? I know that this is mine and it is short, but i am afraid that these choices that i will make will be no going back. ... and i dont want that. I don't want to run but there are so many words of wisdom that i am trying to be. I feel alone. Lost and all i know is that I trust Him.. (i just hope He comes through soon)


As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. ps 42

I was a little girl who spent her time searching for rolly pollies in the front yard... I always wore dresses... and had long curly hair.. .My daddy was my hero and Jesus was my best-friend.

Nothing has really changed, except the rolly pollies are harder to find and my hair isnt always curly.

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Him

He said "For I am your greatest encourager."
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17


He said "For you are my treasured possession."
Exodus 19:5


He said "I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

and then He promised "When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you."
Psalm 34:18


so



I will seek Him with all of my heart. I will trust in Him. I desire His ways.
I will rejoice in the Lord, always.

i love the rain.

there is something renewing and peaceful about the atmosphere when it rains.

the world has to slow down.

everything is washed away. everything can start again.

./././.

this little girl

Has grown up into a woman. A woman who would rather spend her money on starbucks with friends than on petrol.
A woman who would read her latest Cosmo mag over her university text book... anyday.
A woman who loves doing things for other people. A woman who loves to listen, because she is truly interested in what they have to say.
A woman who believes in love but almost daily, asks herself if it something she really wants?
She is a woman who would spend $140 on a cotton tshirt because of the name on the label, but doesn't feel she needs it to 'complete' her.
She eats chocolate in the morning and coffee late at night.
She is secure in who she is...although, she is not entirely sure who that is.
Studies hard, but doesn't know what she want to be 'when she grows up'
She loves to watch the sunset, but she is partial to the rain.
A woman who wants to save the world, but doesn't know where to start.
Her family is her all.
Her mum is her best friend.
Her daddy is her hero.
And Jesus has her heart, for He takes the good with the bad and manages to love her regardless.. although facets of her soul may change over time, that is what will never alter.

x

do you ever...

...feel like your walking this life in a pretty little dress but completely blindfolded???

small portions of the cosmo

as if you could measure Him
as if we could be taught
as if His presence
could be bound or bought

punch numbers
write letters
draw lines
around truth

he is this
he is that
he is purple
or blue

as if you could name
the infinite light
or measure his waters
in ways finite

perhaps you are proud
of your place in the chain
of your power
or knowhow
your import
your fame

perhaps you speak boldly
of things that you've done
vomiting lists
i've won. i've won

but oh!
how you've failed
and oh!
how you'll die

neurotic

outspoken
and rotting from pride

but oh!
how you've failed
and oh!
how you'll die

with a metal of honor
on a pulpit
in lights

thought for the day...

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty” (II Corinthians 3:17).

















They say "all's fair in love and war" or "love is a battlefield"... Hevens knows, i grew up singing the song! But they never did stipulate when enough is enough. When exactly does the time come where it is acceptable, if not advisable, to withdraw your troops, cut your losses and run? When the love battlefields of love are littered with various parts of you, can the ground that was lost ever truly be won back?





I wonder if Hitler could go back and re-write the lines of World War One, if the story would look any different. If he would use his words instead of blazing in with swords drawn, would things have looked different



where as. maybe, just maybe the pain is what forces us to grow in a different direction. maybe after the growth, when what we are left with are beautiful battle wounds that will eventually caputre the eye of a soilder. On that will be on my side.

of joy and sorrow

There is a poet named Kahlil Gibran who knew precisely how I feel. And while there are moments of error in his philosophy, it would do us good to know that all truth is God's truth. And today, I heard God through him...I hope that it mends your soul as it did mine:

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. "

from The Prohet

PS. things I just love about you.

This is my cousin Melanie. I am thankful for our beautiful friendship daily. She is an incredible sorce of strength in my life and someone who I just love to be around.

Although our relationship has had its up and downs and not-at-alls; we have managed to come out the other side more honest, more real than before. No walls. No nothing, just us.

I have three nieces, three amazing nieces that, just through their presence, add so much to my life. They all teach me so much, they make me think a lot; through their questions about everyday things that would otherwise be over-looked, I am constantly in awe of them. She is their amazing mum!

Mellie. thankyou for being a major part of my life. You give so much to my everyday and my all time favourite thing is.....simply doing nothing with you. iloveyou.

Interesting Fact: Saint Melania was a wealthy heiress and philantrophist of the fourth and fifth century who freed thousands of slaves and engaged in lifelong good works.

the way ive loved you.

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. "C. S. Lewis

All we search for
isint really as complicated as it seems.

.darkness.

(inspired by a melbourne vegetarian boy conversation with Bec)

Sometimes, we spend so much time in the dark, that we begin to think it is light.

We start seeing figures and shadows, and they allow us to believe that it isn't really so dark after all. We lie to ourselves, to eachother, to make it seem alright.

Maybe its that in the darkness my flaws are hidden. my doubts, my fears, insecutiries are veiled. But darkness, with it's strange and provocative allure...fools us.

For years i have gone back and forth, in and out of these two worlds. the lines between darkness and light blurs as i try to hide from truth and from transparency and from myself.

Some days, I hate it. I hate what darkness does to me. I want to run away from the sound of it's voice, the whisper that calls me in. Other days, I am content to live and thrive in this underworld.

I feel i have woven myself into a tangle of brilliant colors, manic depressive tendencies, strong willed arrogance, and a subdued concience.

I know what I believe. I know what is true. And yet, there are days when I switch the light off. Maybe it's too hard...or maybe I am too selfish...I am always fighting to have my way.

But why? Why, when I have put my eternity in the hands of God, and have chosen to trust him, do I struggle with believing that he will give me the things that I want.

Why do I think that I have to push, and strive on my own, to achieve the life I want. And why is it that I run, full speed towards emptyness, knowing all the while, that it is a bottomless pit of unrest.

This is truth:

{Matthew 10:39} If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it.

{Matthew 16:25} If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.

{Mark 8:35}If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life.

{Luke 9:24} If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.

My knuckles are white from clinging to my life. And the harder I grip, the more I lose control.As a christian...I am no longer entitled to control. And that is the connundrum. I always want my own way...

but this is truth:

{Proverbs 14:12}There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

At this point, my honesty not only stems from a desperate need to be transparent, but also so that those of you reading my bitter prose will realize that we are all alike. We, as humans, battle the flesh EVERY DAY. It is never going to be easy, and no matter how strong you think you are, there is a war. So often, we float along, live according to our own rules and operate based on a dial of feelings and emotion. And having been through the worst of it, I offer my own life as a warning. The facade and allure of darkness seems harmless enough...it's glamorous...it's dangerous...it's a fantasy. But at the end of the tunnel, there is only a gaping hole that sucks you in and pulls you under. It clouds your reason and makes you forget why you are here in the first place.

This is why I am here:

To reach the lost. To feed the poor. To heal the sick. To comfort the hurting. To love people. And most importantly, to Love God with my entire being. To live with the kingdom in mind. To create beauty. To fight for truth and to act according to the fruits of the spirit. It is for Love. It is for freedom. It is for Life.

And after living in both worlds, after seeing a glimpse of what our culture has idolized....I now know what I desire.

I Chose Light.

mum....

I had a thought, that with so much hurt and disappointment going on in my life this current moment…I never find myself verbalizing the wonderful, loving, stable incredible people or things I have in my life. There are so many, and if this blog serves any purpose other than a collection of random ramblings on my part…. It is to express my ’thankfulness’ to the diamonds in my life.


I am thankful for my mum.


I love that she buys gluten-free animal crackers for when three beautiful little brewins, who no longer eat gluten, come for a visit.


I love that she parks illegally at the airport when she knows that I need a little extra support at the baggage claim.


I love that she always goes out of her way to look beautiful for my dad. I love the way she loves him.


I love that she gets her nails done.


I love that she is really the only person I want to travel with.

I love that she tells me i'm worth more.

I love that I get her addicted to my favourite ‘trashy’ shows.


I love her strength. And her cooking. And her blunt wisdom.

There is more that I could tell you about my mum and her diverse dimensions. I forget sometimes to be thankful for her. I think that as life gets busy and as the ramifications of living in this fast paced world take over…I take her for granted. Each day I am learning that we are two imperfect human beings that were created perfectly by the One who knows us best.

Thankyou mum for being all that you are.

so

if you gathered me

all of my limbs
and cells
and touches
all of my thoughts
and motions
and screams

what
would
i
look
like

.///.

“Love never fails” (I Corinthians 13:8).










~although I fail, please don't fail me now...

her heart is broken, but she wears it well

heres what i thought about today:

If there were no such thing as mistakes..if we never failed..if we never stumbled...then we would never be able to fully understand or rely on the grace of God and the power of his spirit.. we would not be forced to step outside of a comfortable reaction to failure. the comfortable reaction and normally the first reaction we have is:

self pity depression
and feeling like a loser.

I make mistakes. I don't understand things sometimes. I make decisions based off of a feeling or emotion. I mess up. and SOME HOW he never fades.even when everything else does....he is always there to take me under his wing.

I cannot soely rely on myself to accomplish great things...i can't do it..I just can't.
he invented greatness...he called me great...therefore I am.
but the moment I get prideful..and think I can do it better...think that I can do it on my own...i fail. and i'm humbeld by this.

I long for certain things..and I am striving now to be patient and diligent in the little things before God will bless me with ....the things i long for.

but it all comes back to him. It all comes back to my heart longing for him. I want more of him.and more and more and more.

basically today I ask for grace,and I ask for more, we all need it. we all want it.

today proves that he is everlasting
even when nothing else stays the same
he is always the same.


i will wait for you.

I gave up morals when I took up you.

King

There is this white little town

in just about every single place

the town is filled with girls and boys

who are secretly royality.

the elders know this powerfull secret.

the king is waiting for his children to take what is theirs

to run with dignity,

to clothe themselves in purity and beauty

to live beyond the rest.

to pave a path of righteouness for those who don't know of this great king,

and his love for them.

He is wating for them....

to return to his castle,away from the liars and the theives

who rob them of their name,

and there precious,precious treasure.

He cries out "CLAIM SANCTUARY!"..but they hold their ears.

their worth is far more than they know

they deserve far more than they can imagine.

yet they live as though they are worthless...

wandering around the filthy streets like abandoned orphans.

cheapend and used.

they'd sell themselves for half a quid....it's a cheap thrill...

but it might make her feel a little less alone..tonight.

shes been used so many times

so she will do again it...and again.

whats one more time, right?

We are living in a blind Generation

who have no idea how much they are loved.

and how much they are worth.

God has called them...God has called you.

To walk in righteousness

To walk in purity,and grace,and love.

To LIVE life with a VALUE.To not give in to 2nd best.

To not sell yourself short fot the first flattering wink of an eye.

You are more precious to him than rubies

You are the apple of his eye and he adores you.

He created you in his perfect image.

set you apart. Called you BEAUTIFUL.

And gave you a destiny and a PURPOSE.

Seek the father.

If you dont know of his love, now you do.

you are a son

you are a daughter of the high king.

live like it.

so on and on and on

I love these photographs....

I find myself constantly frustrated by the way my need and deep desire for creativity is frequently over shadowed by my lack of talent and 'know how'.. As i look over these images above, i am intrigued by the use of things such as light. angle. pose. I find these photos tell a story, a snippet of time captured by a lense, whose music will sing on forever.

there is some much i see. think. know. feel. experience. however im not quite sure the purpose or meaning of thie post....maybe it should be titled 'the ramblings of a creativly frustrated woman'....though i will leave you with this question...

I wonder if what you desire, you will become?

. non ! Rien de rien .

someone this morning at coffee asked me if i regretted a certain decision i had made just weeks ago.

i sat back in my seat and thought for a moment...these are my thoughts

Regret is merely a decision that probably wasn't the best at the time. Everything we do comes from who we are, what we believe, what we've been thought and where we are going. It is the very soul of us. Humans have the basic knowledge of what's right and wrong thanks to Mr&Mrs Adam and Eve; it is indented within our DNA and we have the responsibility to make the best choice possible. However, we are human. We screw it up from time to time. But I know that every single event in my life have built up the layers of who I am today. I can have compassion because I needed compassion. I am able to show love because I needed love. Empathy. Understanding. Consideration. Wisdom. Mercy. Having stood where I have I am now able to extrude only what has so graciously been given to me. I am who I am because I've been where I've been. Do I regret that? Not for one second. I was created with a plan and purpose. Knitted together with hands that created the world. His mercies are new everyday and He loves me regardless.

no regrets.

. mosaics and red walls .

You know that verse in the Bible that says, "There is nothing new under the sun"...?Well, it bothers me. And every day, and with every attempt at creating and immagining, I am bothered because as much as I know that I am capable of the extraordinary...anything that I could dream up has already been done.

This does not bode well with me.

And what's more, the deeper I get into the study of the human psyche, I am finding over and over that even our most complex and personal emotions are not so unique. They are the product of programming...they are shared with millions of other humans...they are patterns. Common and repetetive.

I set off on this journey because I wanted to discover newness. Not just in society, but also in myself. There is nothing more disheartening than realizing "new" does not exist.

If that statement were found anywhere else besides the Bible, I would undoubtebly argue it to the death. Somewhere deap inside of me, I still believe that I can find a way to be groundbreaking. I just can't stop believing.

To think, there is no new note to play.

No new chord progression. No new story line or idealogy.

I J U S T C A N ' T B E L I E V E I T.

And I also can't let it stop me from dreaming or trying.

I made a list last night.

It was a list of adjectives.

Advectives that I wished would be said about me.

There were 50. After I wrote it, I stared at it for 20 minutes. Just stared. Thought. Paniced. Stared.

How will I ever achieve this?

And what's more, who do I know who has achieved this.

Who do I want to be like?

Blank.

I don't know. I don't know anyone that embodies what I aspire to be.

Sometimes I question my sanity. How could one possibly be so many different and conflicting people?

I am a free spirit. I am an aritst. I am born of the sea.

I want to be a mother and a wife.

I am a diplomat. An ambassador. A humanitarian.

An explorer. A journier.

I am a writer, a poet, and a musician.

A scholar. A socialite. A sea creature.

A want to be an innovator. A forerunner. A magician.

I am "Penny Lane."I am Queen Elizabeth.

I stare at the jumble of pieces and try desperatly to make them fit neatly into the puzzle marked "life". And at times I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, in my attempt to adapt into so many new enviornments, I have lost the clear stamp of who I am.

Clarity. What I would give for clarity.

And then I remind myself. I am who HE says that I am. And what's more, He knew exactly what he was doing when he formed me before the foundation of the earth.

So maybe, just maybe, He knew what he was doing when he chose to create a mosaic instead of painting a red wall. And that is enough for me.

But I am not enough.

And alone, I would never be able to put the puzzle together.

I've tried, and it is just too frustrating.I am too blind.

So I grab hold of his robe.

"If I can touch him, I will be healed"

If I trust in the Lord and the power of his might, He will direct my path.Put me in oder.

Speak to my bones.

Repair the holes.

That the world might know your power.

That I might be used to bring peace on earth.

.the King and I .

. paix sur terre .

From where I sit, the world is at peace.
Everything is quiet.
Too quiet.

So I close my eyes and tell my mind to journey somewhere else, somewhere far from here.
I open my eyes and bursts of light flash before me. Screaming children, heat, debris, and blood.
Im not yet sure where this isbut its terrifying. Soldiers, libertines, gun shots, dust in my eyes. Israel. Ive been here before. Its happening right now, violent war, and all the while, I am in my room thinking to my self, its oh so quiet.
I shut my eyes in fear and tell my mind to try something else. Something lessfrightening.

Again, I open them to bright, blinding light. This time, there are no bombs, only swarms of bugs and a burning sun and the smell of feces. I see a baby lying on a pile of grass, stomach swollen and face covered in flies. Youve probably seen something similar on a Feed the Children Commercial. But trust me, this is a vision too graphic for TV. Inside a mud hut, a mother lies sleeping, or so one would think. But if you look closer, you would notice that she is not breathing. She has been dead for days, rotting in the heat after a long a painful fight with AIDS. Her village has abandoned her, and her child is alone, but unaware. He will die within the weekhe simply cant survive the sun and starvation. We are in Zambia, and I feel as helpless as the dying child. Im too far to reach him.

Im not sure I can keep up this game. It hurts too much.
But I cant help myself.
Take me somewhere else. Somewhere colder.

Snow falls on the top of my head and instantly I am chilled to the bone. Cobble stone roads and posters of naked women are everywhere. Ahhh, Moscow. How I have dreaded my return to you. I look around at the furry hated citizens and glance at the magnificent architecture. It is quite beautiful. Then I see her, a little girl on the sidewalk. I watch her. I watch her waiting. Then it happens. I watch her walk up to a stranger, and proposition him. He looks pleased. He looks like hes 50. He takes her under his arm and walks her to a nearby cab. They ride off to his flat and I cringe at the thought of what that child is about to go through. She might be 10 years old, or she might be 16its really too hard to tell anymore. But she needs the money. She has to eat. If she doesnt take this job, shell spend the next few days sniffing glue to curb the hunger pains. She might be 10 years old.

Enough. Im fighting back anger now, and for good reason. I am mad at the destruction and the disease and the poverty and the perversion. I am angry because I want to fix it all with the wave of my hand. I want to run to the girl in Moscow and offer her a place to live and be safe. I want to carry the dying infant to my home and nurture him back to health. I want to name him.

There is too much to be done, and Im tucked away in my safe and peaceful room in Australia. My 60000 sq. ft. room that a family of 10 could live in. Its disheartening, and yet I have hope. As difficult as it seems, I know that my God is able to do above and beyond what I ask and dream. He gives grace to the humble, he healed the sick and fed the poor, and he asks me to do the same.

We are, as a culture, overfed and overindulged. As Christians, we spend most of our time quibbling over doctrine, theory and power. That is not Christianity, and I will not be a part of it.

{The God I live for gave us two primary commandments}
1. Love Him with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength.
2. Love my neighbor as myself.

And I watch the circus around me, a parade of the self-seeking and self-absorbed.
And I think, God, save me from myself.
If I have all the riches of the world and all the praise of man, but have not love.I am nothing.
And as cliché as it sounds, I am certain that Love, and only Love, will save us.



I know too much,
Their blood is on my hands.