Friday, November 28, 2008

family happiness

It is perhaps my greatest fear
though it is just now a pain in my mind.
It came with age.
As a child, I feared more abstract things
darkness, demons, bumble bees

But now, the fear that haunts me is one too real to disregaurd.

A girl
A dreamer
She waits and waits for love to come
She dreams of how he'll smell
And the words he'll use and stories he'll tell
She awaits the heartbeats
And turns down the bed sheets
And perhaps her lover comes
And perhaps they marry
Set sail
And are blissfully in love

for a while(and that is the part that scares me the most)

I've always heard it said that marriage
Is about finding a partner, someone to walk out life with you
Like a buisness deal of sorts
And making a decision to love them
For time wages war on the affections of man

And perhaps you have caterpilars
And perhaps you are taken with wild glee
But soon enough, it fades into a painful memory
And you are left with a personA person you love
But the love has changed
Grown, matured, and settled into a rational decision.
I will love you. I made a promise.

This is my fear
That the fire will fade
And I will be unable to stop the inevitable
And I wonder if I must accept it
Seperate rooms
Cordial conversation
Dutiful compliments
Australian Idol night

If it is as they say
Then I will chose to be alone
For I cannot and will not bow to ideals of comfortable tolerance

I want insanity
breaking glass
open roads
story books

But how does one know?
Can you ever know?
Or is it a risk we take
A leap into darkness
Knowing that it is truly better to taste love
if only for a moment
and be glad that you were lucky enough to breath its air


Monday, November 10, 2008

there is no one else for me

" swiftly treading over endless space;
And, at her foot-print, but a bygone pace,
The ocean-past, which, with increasing wave,
Swallow'd her steps like a pursuing grave.

Sad were my thoughts that anchor'd silently
On the dead waters of that passionless sea,
Unstirr'd by any touch of living breath:
Silence hung over it, and drowsy death..."

taken from thomas hood's sea of death

Thursday, November 6, 2008

.too deeper shades.

so here it is. today is one of those days where everything that youve been surpressing manages to catch up with you . the desions youve made and the ones that you havent, begin to have an impact on your soul as you realise that you cannot control everything....

I wake at 4:11am then again at 5am..this happens every hour. i am in a tomb and i dont want to wake because quite frankly i dont want to deal with anymore mess. today was one of those where sleeping seemed to be the best, only option.

{Hemingway knew}"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know? "

I walk into my bathroom and look at my reflection in the mirror. i stare deep into my eyes...past the shades of blue..into my soul. There I am. still the same as always , yet slightly altered. today i didnt want to be who i am. i want to be nobody. i didnt know. so i whipsered the whispers of the One who knows me better...over and over i told myself who He says i it doesnt even seem to help.

there is a black hole in a soul. one where when stumbled across has the ablilty to suck you in and cloud your mind. it is destructive and only seems to produce harm...the road to this place knows my name a little too well. It's a cycle...a form of counterproductivity.To some, it seems desirable, but I can assure you that the word is true..."without VISION, people perish."I am too young to die. I am too enlightened to live without vision.I had it once. Intense, gripping vision.
get it back.

Purpose. Destiny. Vision. Words that all hold a deep meaning in my life. They resound in my soul. They remind me why I am here.

It has become all to easy to forget life is more than life. I seem to find myself wondering from one place to another...visionless. Life is war. it is darkness fighting for our souls. That we are in the balance. Becuase of complacency and indifference, we slowly slip into unconciousness and begin to go through life as pawns instead of being aware that you and I are, indeed, royalty.

So today, before I take another step or say another word or make another phone call. Before I proceed with my routines and habits, I have to remove the foggy glasses from my eyes. I put them on, and in the name of freedom, allowed myself to live blind. I am too good for that.

Again, i worry sometimes that my honesty gives you more room to criticize. But the closer I get to the heart of God, the more I realize that we are all severly flawed. We all make epic and life threatening mistakes. We all fall down.

But a righteous man falls 7 times and gets back up.
did you read that?...{a righteous man falls}

that is truth.

It doesn't make us bad, it doesn't make us worthless. It makes us human.You, in your humanity will make grave mistakes...and God, in His soveriegnty and unconditional love, picks us up...restores us...and continues to mold us into his image of beauty.

I feel like a painting. An unfinished but brilliantly thought out painting. The colours are chosen and the artist knows what he is making, but no one else does. No one sees what he sees. And for the life of me, I can't even figure out what I am supposed to look like. But I know that it will be perfect. That little by little, the lines and colours and shades will all fall into place.

One more day. Not lost, but lived. One more day to make right decision and to progress towards the goal. One more day that I must fight and struggle and believe.There is hope in a life lived by Faith.I chose, today, to live by that faith.It is the only way.
{and once again, Hemingway knew}
"Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it. "