Thursday, January 29, 2009


Did you know that there are things called 'wedding blogs', where hundreds of engaged or newlywed women blog and comment on all things weddings? I had no idea until today. I spent over an hour browsing through countless centerpieces, bridesmaid gifts, honeymoon destinations and save-the-date cards...HELLO? I have never been on of those girls who grew up reading bridal magazines or collecting things for my wedding scrapbook... Yet somehow I have caught this bridal bug... I just hope it passes before I actually get engaged... (Since the months before the wedding probably isn't the right time to let your betrothed know that you're insane!)

Anyway, on a different note. I found Qwyneth Paltrow's blog ( and all of her detox recipes.. I tired one this afternoon!


It was either the soup or I would have ordered place-cards... I thought this baby-food was the better choice!


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My thoughts go to you more often than my pride will allow me to admit..

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I never thought i'd see the day

I am fascinated by the way we fall for each other, fall towards certain things. Humans have an attraction towards falling: we mash into each other, we destroy our own stratospheres so that we might get closer to something in someone. “Your subconscious is attracted to his subconscious, subconsciously.” I think it might be a little more than that. Fascinating how we rip each other to shreds, fall longingly, and lovingly, into rapture.

Physicists who deal in quantum mechanics have found that on an atomic level, if you divide our body into actual physical particles and the space between them, we have more space in our bodies than actual stuff. You are space ready to be filled.

And so, “you complete me” is nonsense because you are already whole.However, you can breathe in new possibilities to the space inside of you, keep clearing out the dust and opening the windows.

I have had this picture saved for awhile now. I first saw it and thought immediately what an incredible destination it would be for a honeymoon.. someone else's honeymoon. And for the first time in many many months, I can envisage myself, in love and married to the person who wants to take me here... I have no idea why I am getting excited at the thought of this..God is love, God created love and He has given us love to give.


today, 26th January 2009, I tell you that I am ready for a grown-up type of love (and yes, i wrote it down so that you would have proof)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
{matthew 11:28-30}

Monday, January 19, 2009


Any time or period
To mature, ripen or condition by exposure to suitable conditions or treatments
To accustom or harden
At the right time; opportunely

As the seasons come and go I feel my heart change. Sometimes I can feel it move then other times it creeps apon me and suddenly Im different. Parts of my grow in ways un-imaginable to the mind. I desire to be something, but I find that the more I reach for it, the more it withers. The passion is still there, it just disappears for a time. Or maybe it leaves all together. I don't know. Can love like that just go? or is it stolen perhaps? Maybe I give it away for useless dreams and Harlequin romances?

Trees have seasons; they grow, produce, wither, die down and then are replenished. But do trees have any choice in the matter, or do they merely go through the motions as the weather changes? When they are without leaves......they are still called trees.

I know full well that i am here, where ever I am. It is His perfect timing and I am living proof of the mystery of His love. But me in my ignorance and disobedience, complicates it.Complicates it to the point where it is barely recognisable. Everyday i am learning to just be. Maybe i am being pushed to seek this fulfilment in God. And only God. For this season of heart-ache and solitude, I am not enough. I will never be enough.

I need Him.
And he made it so
He wants me to need Him

'Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him

and the one the Lord loves to rest between His shoulders.'

I need You.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

safe love?

They say "all is fair in love and war".. "Love is a battlefield".. heaven knows that I grew up singing the song! But in all of these songs and all of these quotes, they never did stipulate when enough is enough. When exactly does the time come where it is acceptable, if not advisable, to withdraw your troops, cut your losses and run? When the battlefields of love are littered with various parts of you, can the ground thats been lost ever truly be won back?

Today at work an interesting conversation about birth control came up for open discussion and as I listened to stories bounce back and forth from both men and women, I not only realised further our very different views on the topic but also this thought; When you let someone into you bed or into your heart, is it ever safe?

When you have feelings for someone, reciprocated or otherwise, there are many rules which these days we are advised to follow. 'When to call', 'When not to call','Don't appear too interested' 'Be busy'; the list is endless. However the older I get and the more dates that I go on when does it become acceptable for a woman of 'today' to be honest, vulnerable and tell a man how she feels.

Furthermore, when does it come time to put away feelings that are standing out alone? Unrequited love isn't good for the soul, nor the heart, nor the girlfriends who so graciously sit through endless coffees listening to you.

I have decided, (thanks to New Years resolutions that I vow to uphold)

I think it's time to call it a day. Ive fought a good fight, but I'm withdrawing the troops.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


What does it mean.

My head just spins. Every inch of my lonely frame is bruised from thought. My head tries to make sense of everything. I am too logical. And there is too much to figure out.
There is so much that I have been given. So much that I have seen. I've walked so close to God...I've heard him...I still hear him. He has held me, carried me, clothed me. I've betrayed him. Lots of times. And I always come back. I repent. But sometimes, I feel like it is isn't enough.

What does it mean. Christianity. think think think.

It's all of the "doing" and "saying" that gets in the way. I always feel...inadequate. Like it's not good enough. I say that I want Him. That I need Him. That I would do anything. But is it true. Do I? Would I?

Would I give everything I love to be in his presence?

Quiet. Stop Thinking.
Be Still and KNOW. He is God. and Love.
He is Love.
And no matter what I do, or say, or don't do. No matter what mistake I make, I am loved.
I get so worked up. So worried. terrified. afraid. confused. angry. tense. And at the climax of frustration, he mutes the world. He shuts me up. He speaks:

"My love. My daughter. Apple of my eye. My beautiful creation...
I long to be close to you. I delight in you. I will give you anything you ask.
Love me. Even when you were a thought in my mind...I loved you. I am proud of you, of who you are. I am near to you. reach. If you will keep my commands, I will whisper the secrets of my heart to you. I will open your ears to the sound of heaven. I will lift you above the noise and into peace that no man knows. My love. When you feel alone, when you feel dirty, when you wander away...i will come for you. I will chase after you. I will pick you up from the filth and carry you home. I will never leave. Never betray. Never Stop. I won't stop. I won't stop. no matter what. I won't stop. no matter what. iloveyou. iloveyou. iloveyou."

There it is. Calm. It's all going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.

I am so often captive to perfectionism. To performance. To poise and grace. And it wears on me. So in an extreme attempt for normalcy, I cast of my shell and delve into something more dangerous. Eventually I find balance.

I have come to this point in life where I'm learning that Love and only love matters.
From love, all other things will fall into place, grow and die. There isn't a day that passes when I don't long to be told that I am loved. I try to say iloveyou every day. It isn't difficult because I genuinely care for people and I want them to know. I think the world would be better if we learned to be ok with it. iloveyou. I would be better if I heard it. But it's rare.

That is what it means. Christianity.
It means Love.
It means Loving God and people.
the end.

But we, in our silliness and ignorance, complicate it. We muddy it with our theology and opinions. We make fools of ourselves quibbling over things that we can never change or understand.

I learned something profound from the Tao. And while, no, it isn't the Bible, it is true. And all truth is God's truth, no matter what.

"Just Be"

Simple. There is no program, no class, no camp, no sermon that could MAKE you live holy. There is no magic that can teach you to "be". There is only the holy spirit and the understanding of LOVE that can change you. And every day, I am learning to be changed by love. By His love. Maybe it's good that I don't hear people say it alot. Maybe I am being pushed to seek this fulfiment in God. And only God.

It's time for me to stop worrying. stop annalyzing. stop trying.
Perfect love casts out all fear.

God. I want to know that perfect love. Show me. Teach me.
I'll be quiet. I want to hear you speak.
I am not enough. I cannot do enough. I will never be enough.
I need him
And he made it so
He wants me to need Him
He wants me to stop. to listen.

Friday, January 9, 2009

i got a coffee from Starbucks recently & on the back of the cup was written the following:

You can learn a lot more from listening than you can from talking. Find someone with whom you don't agree in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don't argue back. It's physically impossible to listen with your mouth open. - John Moe

Vision Check-Up

Thursday, January 1, 2009

noodles and boxes

Today I got to thinking about women and the choices we make. Since birth, modern women have been told we can do and be anything we want. Be an astronaut, the head of an Internet company, a stay-at-home mum. There aren't any rules anymore, and the choices are endless, and apparently they can all be delivered right to your door. But is it possible that we've gotten so spoiled by choices that we've become unable to make one? Or perhaps deep deep down we all know who we are and what we want be we are unable to make a choice at fear of criticism...usally by those close to us!!!

So, here goes.

I like scrapbooking
I like crafts
I like to paint
I like making presents
I like making cards
I like sad, drizzly rainy days
I enjoy staying in on a friday night
I like deep convosations
I like when people take me seriously, regardless of my age
I like to explore the world
I want to be a wife
I want a good marriage
I want to champion on my husband daily
I want to create a beautiful home
I want to be a mum
I want to be a stay-at-home mum
I dont like spilt bills
I dont like in-consistancy
I dont like in-justice
I dont like heat
I dont like gyms
... I love Jesus

Numbers 6:25-27 (New International Version)
25 the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you

(and He will be gracious to you and allow you to figure out and walk into the person that He has lovingly created and be at peace with who the person is)

26 the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

PEACE. I am at peace with who I am, what I want and what I beleive. After all we make mistakes and maybe those mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to be secure in who God has called us to be.