Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Crowded parties. Lonley cab rides. Insanity. Masks. Awkward silences. Unspoken goodbyes. Messy Hair. Worn-out shoes. Tired girl. My life is a circus. Flamming hoops. Cowardly lions. Mirrors Mirrors Mirrors. Elephants in the room.

i go in circles. around the world. around the block. around i spin.i figured something out: if you are dizzy, you dont think about all your other problems.

i wish i were brave. desperatly.there are things in my life that i just can't face...im not strong enough.so i spin. that way, i will be too dizzy to look you in the eyes. And maybe, if I spin long enough, I will forget what your eyes look like.

i know what you are thinking. "oh, she is in love." or "oh, she must like ______"
at the risk of sounding redundant...i hate when people think they know "exactly what I mean."i am not love sick...i am not sick of love.love keeps me alive and breathing. love never fails me.i am simply sick of games. of mistakes. of spinning.

I know a girl who lives in Utopia. To my knowledge, she is the last of its occupants.She is one in a million. She is rare. She is beautiful. She is pure.In her mind, it is possible to live without being stained by the world.She challenges my cynical mind every day.She inspires me to live pure.

In moments of despair, I think to myself...I am too far gone. To return to Utopia would take years.But in reality, it can happen in a matter of seconds.We have the ability to change...but I think that most of us rather like our sin.

But why? Sin makes us miserable. It stains our character. It confuses our souls. It seperates us from happiness and peace. So why do so many of us chose to live here? We live in these strange lands that we carve out of our own opinions and emotions...we leave Utopia (a land of peace and prosperity) to abide in some trashy wasteland that only makes us more unsatisfied. We are fools.

After 1/3 of our generation has been murdered by abortion, the other 2/3 are chosing to throw away their lives based on what "feels right".Im at the point of no return. I long for things to be black and white again. Life has been grey for far too long.

I'm not about rules and regulations...or legalism or judmental ideals. I am not close minded. On the contrary...I simply have found that on this journey called life, true happiness and fulfillment is not achieved by indulging in whatever "feels right." See, that's the thing about lust. It is never satisfied. It always want MORE. You can't possibly be happy if you live according to desire.

We all live in a circus. We all feel pain, we all suffer devestation. Our friends don't come through, our finances are always wanting, and our appetite is never satisfied. Our parents let us down, our jobs frustrate us, and our emotions run wild. How on earth could we ever be at peace in a cold war, in this snow storm, in this cage?

There is peace and hope in life submitted to your creator. I know I know...you probably don't believe in God. Ok. We're on a journey, and you're free to believe whatever you wish. But in my experience, both pain and joy, I have found true happiness in only one place. The love of God, and the knowledge of what he did for me at the cross. Becuase he loves me, I want to obey. I want to seek. I want to understand. I want to know who created me and WHY he created me. Then, and only then, will I ever be able to escape this circus of undevoted distraction.

Where purpose in not known, abuse is inevitable.
Stop spinning.
Find out what you are here for.

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