Friday, February 22, 2008

. mosaics and red walls .

You know that verse in the Bible that says, "There is nothing new under the sun"...?Well, it bothers me. And every day, and with every attempt at creating and immagining, I am bothered because as much as I know that I am capable of the extraordinary...anything that I could dream up has already been done.
This does not bode well with me.
And what's more, the deeper I get into the study of the human psyche, I am finding over and over that even our most complex and personal emotions are not so unique. They are the product of programming...they are shared with millions of other humans...they are patterns. Common and repetetive.
I set off on this journey because I wanted to discover newness. Not just in society, but also in myself. There is nothing more disheartening than realizing "new" does not exist.
If that statement were found anywhere else besides the Bible, I would undoubtebly argue it to the death. Somewhere deap inside of me, I still believe that I can find a way to be groundbreaking. I just can't stop believing.
To think, there is no new note to play.
No new chord progression. No new story line or idealogy.
I J U S T C A N ' T B E L I E V E I T.
And I also can't let it stop me from dreaming or trying.
I made a list last night.
It was a list of adjectives.
Advectives that I wished would be said about me.
There were 50. After I wrote it, I stared at it for 20 minutes. Just stared. Thought. Paniced. Stared.
How will I ever achieve this?
And what's more, who do I know who has achieved this.
Who do I want to be like?
I don't know. I don't know anyone that embodies what I aspire to be.
Sometimes I question my sanity. How could one possibly be so many different and conflicting people?
I am a free spirit. I am an aritst. I am born of the sea.
I want to be a mother and a wife.
I am a diplomat. An ambassador. A humanitarian.
An explorer. A journier.
I am a writer, a poet, and a musician.
A scholar. A socialite. A sea creature.
A want to be an innovator. A forerunner. A magician.
I am "Penny Lane."I am Queen Elizabeth.
I stare at the jumble of pieces and try desperatly to make them fit neatly into the puzzle marked "life". And at times I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, in my attempt to adapt into so many new enviornments, I have lost the clear stamp of who I am.
Clarity. What I would give for clarity.
And then I remind myself. I am who HE says that I am. And what's more, He knew exactly what he was doing when he formed me before the foundation of the earth.
So maybe, just maybe, He knew what he was doing when he chose to create a mosaic instead of painting a red wall. And that is enough for me.
But I am not enough.
And alone, I would never be able to put the puzzle together.
I've tried, and it is just too frustrating.I am too blind.
So I grab hold of his robe.
"If I can touch him, I will be healed"
If I trust in the Lord and the power of his might, He will direct my path.Put me in oder.
Speak to my bones.
Repair the holes.
That the world might know your power.
That I might be used to bring peace on earth.

No comments: