.darkness.

(inspired by a melbourne vegetarian boy conversation with Bec)

Sometimes, we spend so much time in the dark, that we begin to think it is light.

We start seeing figures and shadows, and they allow us to believe that it isn't really so dark after all. We lie to ourselves, to eachother, to make it seem alright.

Maybe its that in the darkness my flaws are hidden. my doubts, my fears, insecutiries are veiled. But darkness, with it's strange and provocative allure...fools us.

For years i have gone back and forth, in and out of these two worlds. the lines between darkness and light blurs as i try to hide from truth and from transparency and from myself.

Some days, I hate it. I hate what darkness does to me. I want to run away from the sound of it's voice, the whisper that calls me in. Other days, I am content to live and thrive in this underworld.

I feel i have woven myself into a tangle of brilliant colors, manic depressive tendencies, strong willed arrogance, and a subdued concience.

I know what I believe. I know what is true. And yet, there are days when I switch the light off. Maybe it's too hard...or maybe I am too selfish...I am always fighting to have my way.

But why? Why, when I have put my eternity in the hands of God, and have chosen to trust him, do I struggle with believing that he will give me the things that I want.

Why do I think that I have to push, and strive on my own, to achieve the life I want. And why is it that I run, full speed towards emptyness, knowing all the while, that it is a bottomless pit of unrest.

This is truth:

{Matthew 10:39} If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it.

{Matthew 16:25} If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.

{Mark 8:35}If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life.

{Luke 9:24} If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.

My knuckles are white from clinging to my life. And the harder I grip, the more I lose control.As a christian...I am no longer entitled to control. And that is the connundrum. I always want my own way...

but this is truth:

{Proverbs 14:12}There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

At this point, my honesty not only stems from a desperate need to be transparent, but also so that those of you reading my bitter prose will realize that we are all alike. We, as humans, battle the flesh EVERY DAY. It is never going to be easy, and no matter how strong you think you are, there is a war. So often, we float along, live according to our own rules and operate based on a dial of feelings and emotion. And having been through the worst of it, I offer my own life as a warning. The facade and allure of darkness seems harmless enough...it's glamorous...it's dangerous...it's a fantasy. But at the end of the tunnel, there is only a gaping hole that sucks you in and pulls you under. It clouds your reason and makes you forget why you are here in the first place.

This is why I am here:

To reach the lost. To feed the poor. To heal the sick. To comfort the hurting. To love people. And most importantly, to Love God with my entire being. To live with the kingdom in mind. To create beauty. To fight for truth and to act according to the fruits of the spirit. It is for Love. It is for freedom. It is for Life.

And after living in both worlds, after seeing a glimpse of what our culture has idolized....I now know what I desire.

I Chose Light.