My head just spins. Every inch of my lonely frame is bruised from thought. My head tries to make sense of everything. I am too logical. And there is too much to figure out.
There is so much that I have been given. So much that I have seen. I've walked so close to God...I've heard him...I still hear him. He has held me, carried me, clothed me. I've betrayed him. Lots of times. And I always come back. I repent. But sometimes, I feel like it is isn't enough.
What does it mean. Christianity. think think think.
It's all of the "doing" and "saying" that gets in the way. I always feel...inadequate. Like it's not good enough. I say that I want Him. That I need Him. That I would do anything. But is it true. Do I? Would I?
Would I give everything I love to be in his presence?
Quiet. Stop Thinking.
Be Still and KNOW. He is God. and Love.
He is Love.
And no matter what I do, or say, or don't do. No matter what mistake I make, I am loved.
I get so worked up. So worried. terrified. afraid. confused. angry. tense. And at the climax of frustration, he mutes the world. He shuts me up. He speaks:
"My love. My daughter. Apple of my eye. My beautiful creation...
I long to be close to you. I delight in you. I will give you anything you ask.
Love me. Even when you were a thought in my mind...I loved you. I am proud of you, of who you are. I am near to you. reach. If you will keep my commands, I will whisper the secrets of my heart to you. I will open your ears to the sound of heaven. I will lift you above the noise and into peace that no man knows. My love. When you feel alone, when you feel dirty, when you wander away...i will come for you. I will chase after you. I will pick you up from the filth and carry you home. I will never leave. Never betray. Never Stop. I won't stop. I won't stop. no matter what. I won't stop. no matter what. iloveyou. iloveyou. iloveyou."
There it is. Calm. It's all going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.
I am so often captive to perfectionism. To performance. To poise and grace. And it wears on me. So in an extreme attempt for normalcy, I cast of my shell and delve into something more dangerous. Eventually I find balance.
I have come to this point in life where I'm learning that Love and only love matters.
From love, all other things will fall into place, grow and die. There isn't a day that passes when I don't long to be told that I am loved. I try to say iloveyou every day. It isn't difficult because I genuinely care for people and I want them to know. I think the world would be better if we learned to be ok with it. iloveyou. I would be better if I heard it. But it's rare.
That is what it means. Christianity.
It means Love.
It means Loving God and people.
But we, in our silliness and ignorance, complicate it. We muddy it with our theology and opinions. We make fools of ourselves quibbling over things that we can never change or understand.
I learned something profound from the Tao. And while, no, it isn't the Bible, it is true. And all truth is God's truth, no matter what.
Simple. There is no program, no class, no camp, no sermon that could MAKE you live holy. There is no magic that can teach you to "be". There is only the holy spirit and the understanding of LOVE that can change you. And every day, I am learning to be changed by love. By His love. Maybe it's good that I don't hear people say it alot. Maybe I am being pushed to seek this fulfiment in God. And only God.
It's time for me to stop worrying. stop annalyzing. stop trying.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
God. I want to know that perfect love. Show me. Teach me.
I'll be quiet. I want to hear you speak.
I am not enough. I cannot do enough. I will never be enough.
I need him
And he made it so
He wants me to need Him
He wants me to stop. to listen.